Book Review: The Anti-Romantic Child by Priscilla Gilman

Parenting is hard and wonderful.

Parenting a special needs child is undoubtably harder, but in some ways more wonderful, more poignant, once we get past our own expectations.

 We all basically start out in the same place. We expect to have a healthy, "normal" baby. We expect they'll hit all the milestones at the right times, (if not a little early,) that they'll run, and play, and make friends, and have basically the childhood we had, (except a little better.)

What happens when things don't go according to plan?

The Anti-Romantic Child chronicles one mom's journey down the bumpy road of special needs parenthood.

Priscilla Gilman was a new mom with a lot of lofty ideals about what children and childhood should be like. An English professor with a love of romantic poetry, she'd always imagined her child would would be a dreamer, a lover of nature, an explorer.

The child she had was different. Different than she'd planned for, different from herself, certainly different from the children in the poems. As he grows, she has to face and contend with her own expectations again and again.

As months and years go by, the family's life revolves around what to do for "Benj." He needs therapy, and a suitable preschool, and constant advocacy. As is often the case, the all encompassing task of trying to get everything just right for the special needs child leaves mom and dad sort of out in the rain. They have to make complicated decisions about their careers, their marriage, even where to live, in light of how Benj will be affected.

Priscilla's love of literature provides her with comfort and context during the ups and the downs. As many of us do with a favorite quote, or Bible verse, Priscilla finds herself returning to certain verses of poetry throughout her life, examining them from different angles, depending on where she's at.

It's a familiar story to those of us with special needs children, and it resonated deeply with me. When I read the part where she began her frantic online search to explain his odd behaviors, I could have been reading my own story. First you search the symptoms, then you get sucked into the forums, then you print out the check lists, and on and on.

I thought the story was a rare, balanced commentary on special needs parenting. It includes both the hard, terrifying parts, and the awesome, hard won victories.

I'd recommend this book to anyone, but if you have a child with special needs, particularly on the autistic spectrum, I think it will really speak to you.

Author, Priscilla Gilman.

If you'd like to find out more about Priscilla Gilman, you can visit her website, follow her on Twitter, or check out her Facebook page.

Disclosure: I was provided with a free copy of this book in order to participate in this book tour. No other compensation was provided, and all opinions are my own.

You Might Be An Autism Parent If

I don't post too much about my son's special needs for several reasons.

The first, and most obvious, is my desire to respect his privacy. Although he couldn't care less at this point, the time may come when he isn't comfortable with my sharing too many specific details about his life online.

The second reason is a little more complicated. We're sort of in diagnostic no man's land. The developmental pediatrician keeps throwing around phrases like " possible PDD," or "maybe high functioning Asperger's," but no one actually wants to put the pen to paper and make the call.

In one sense, it doesn't matter exactly what we call it. We're not trying to negotiate for services through the public school system, so here at home, we can call it anything or nothing at all, and just deal with issues as they arise.

In another sense, we're feeling sort of isolated. Among (neorotypical,) same age peers, it's almost immediately apparent that L is different. He's smart, and lovable and funny, but fundamentally different. He's the proverbial square peg.

Oddly enough, we find that on the surface at least, we don't exactly fit in with the autism community either. L is verbal, (really verbal.) His social issues, while very real, pale in comparison with what many autistic children face. I've had people say that he isn't "severe enough" to be autistic, an opinion which I think can be explained by the fact that many people have sort of narrow ideas about what an autistic person looks like, sounds like, acts like. (Rain Man, anyone?)

It's been hard to find other people who "get" us, and what our life is like.

I recently stumbled onto the #youmightbeanautismpartif hash tag on Twitter, and although I know it sounds silly to say so, I feel like I've found "our people." They "get" it. They understand the oddball, quirky parts of our life that "regular" families are totally unfamiliar with, like a child that picks paint off the walls, and can't eat food that touches, or is "sticky," or is shaped "wrong." The get the bigger issues like sleeping with one eye open for years, because your child rarely sleeps, and may wander off if they wake up alone, or feeling that you'd do nearly anything to have a day "off," but you can't, because there just isn't anyone who understands your child well enough.

It's nice to be understood, and to realize that you're not the "only" one.

If you have a child somewhere on the spectrum, I highly recommend you follow the #youmightbeanautismparentif conversation on Twitter.

Where do you get your parenting support?

Review: Time Timer

Most of the books I've ever read about ADHD, SPD, and Autism suggest that timers can help kiddos make smoother transitions. We started using one about a year ago, and for us, at least, that seems to be true.We use timers all day here, during school, to monitor screen time, and for things like minutes until bath time.

We were recently sent a 3" Time Timer to review, which retails for $30 from the Time Timer website. The timers are also available in 8" and 12" size for classroom and group use, ($35 and $40 respectively,) and the company additionally sells Time Timer computer software for $24, and has an app available via iTunes for $1.99. 

The timer we received requires one AA battery.

Time Timer.

The Time Timer essentially works like any other, with the addition of a red film that acts as a visual cue, getting smaller as time passes. This means that even children who can't yet tell time, (like 3 year old V,) can monitor it using relative terms. ("I have a little time left." or "I have lots of time left.")

We've been using this timer daily since receiving it. It's easy to use, and lightweight enough to throw in a purse or backpack for use outside the home. (Minutes at the park, the swimming pool, etc.) Although L can read the numbers on a regular timer, he seems to benefit from being able to see time visibly passing. It feels less arbitrary to him, I think.

I do wish the "ding" was a little louder. We have a pretty noisy crew around here, (kids and dogs,) and at times I found myself straining to hear the timer go off when there was lots of background noise.

Based on my own observations, I'd particularly recommend this product to families with special needs, or young children who can't yet tell time. I'm really glad we got to check it out.

Head over to the Homeschool Crew blog to find out what other homeschooling families thought of this product.






Disclosure: I received a Time Timer in order to facilitate this review. No other compensation was provided, and the opinions expressed here are my own.

Be the Fun Mom Occasionally

When we decided to homeschool, way back before L was even born, I had lots of ideas about what I thought homeschooling would look like. I had visions of us working on fun projects, spending long hours snuggling and reading books, and having time, always enough time.

Real life looks quite a bit different, most days. L's limited attention span, and very small set of intense interests means that we read for short bursts here and there, and it's sometimes hard to draw him into projects that aren't related to Pokemon. Time is always at a premium. With a busy preschooler literally hanging on me all day, a husband that works lots of hours, on an irregular schedule, there never seems to be enough time.

We've found homeschool curriculum that we like. It covers all the bases, and  it's generally enjoyable, but it doesn't look much like those days I imagined.

Several weeks ago, we started off a typical school day on the wrong foot. L couldn't settle down, couldn't stop talking about Pokemon. Typically, I would have had two choices, press on anyway, and end up with everyone cross, and a sub par effort from L, or blow it off, and call a holiday.

I suddenly had a little mental breakthrough, though. We pulled out dozens of cans of play doh, and built Pokemon habitats.

Play Doh Pokemon habitats.

(For those of you who don't eat, sleep, and breathe Pokemon, I should explain that each Pokemon has a "type," which dictates the kind of attacks they're capable of, and oftentimes where they live. A fire type Pokemon will have fiery attacks, and might live near a volcano, etc.) 

Charmander, in his natural habitat.

After talking about what would happen if  Pokemon no longer had access to their appropriate habitats, we were able to branch out, and discuss real animal habitats, and the effects of pollution, deforestation, melting icebergs, and so on.

It was a stretch, and it certainly wasn't on the lesson plan, but it was learning. He had a blast, and he thoughtfully participated in the discussion. He's retained the information, too.

It's not possible or practical to try to relate every lesson to Pokemon, but I was reminded that part of the reason we homeschool is so that we can be flexible and have fun.

Whether we homeschool or not, it's awfully easy to get hung up on the "have tos," and miss out on the fun stuff. Don't forget to be the fun mom occasionally, whether it's on the schedule or not. (I may have to tattoo that on my forehead...)

DIY Nature Journals

We're trying to spend more time outside this summer.

My little man, L, is not much of an outdoorsman. I suspect part of the problem is the sensory aspect. It's bright, and hot, and dirty outside. (All of those are deterrents for my sensory avoider.) The other part is that he persists in being extremely interested in one main topic at a time, pretty much to the exclusion of all other things. (Right now it's Pokemon.) He's not terribly interested in anything that goes on outside...worms, bugs, "exploring," the stuff that other little boys are into.

He did enjoy our recent scavenger hunt assignment, though, and that got me to thinking about other ways to encourage him.

I picked a pack of little notebooks at Hobby Lobby (6 for $3.99, plus they were 40% off,) and did a quick bit of stamping on the cover. I explained to L that it was for writing about, or drawing things we see when we're outside. (I made one for myself too.) He actually sounded excited. My idea is to try to encourage him to find something he wants to journal about, but if he can't think of anything I'll give him a prompt.

Do your little ones like to play outside, or are they reluctant like L? Do you have any tips to share for getting kids excited about nature?

Reflections on Kindergarten

Well, here we are, at the end of our kindergarten year.

Our plan was to sort of hang loose this year, try to figure out what works for us, in terms of schedule and curriculum, and basically just try to have fun. You're only five years old once. 

I think we've succeeded in general. We're going to be schooling year round, so that opens us up to being pretty flexible (with regards to scheduling,) next year. My husband and I are discussing the possibility of schooling four days a week. I've found curriculum (Heart of Dakota) that I think is going to be a good fit for us. L likes it, and it's totally do-able for me.

We had set one hard and fast goal for L this year, and that was to have him reading fluently by the end of the year. I'm happy to say that we've met our goal. As nearly as I can tell without formally testing him, I think he's reading at about a second grade level, and is happily devouring Pokemon books. It's been a pleasure to watch him progress. Frankly it's been sort of a nice confidence booster for me, too, since it means we've managed to scale this first real hurdle together.

We've also managed to (mostly) stay the course this year in spite of several major illnesses and a few deaths in our family. I've realized that given certain ongoing situations, (chronic illness of loved ones, my husband's weird work schedule,)  we need to be sure that we're building lots of flexibility into our plans, so that we can be available without feeling  like we're neglecting school. (This is where the four day week may come in for us.)

We're going to be schooling during the summer, but we're going to hold off on the formal curriculum, and "unschool." I've written before about L's extremely narrow set of interests, which generally center around one or two topics, to the exclusion of everything else. He's recently made sort of a breakthrough, though. He's asking questions about random things, like how flies eyes work, and "what are mummies?" This is huge for me, and in order to encourage it, I'm going to let him lead us for the next couple of months.

So that's where we are right now. We've overcome a few bumps, and we're currently struggling with some others, but with God's help, I think we do this homeschool thing.

Thanks for sharing the journey with us.

Pokemon Book Project

L has fallen in love with Pokemon magazines and comic books. He loves to pore over the pages, and investigate every detail of every picture.

A while back, he and I collaborated on his idea to make his own Pokemon magazines. We've been folding up large pieces of construction paper, booklet style, and drawing illustrations on the "pages." He occasionally dictates some narration to me, which I write for him.

We recently upgraded this idea by buying him a good quality, large spiral sketchpad to make his own Pokemon book. He's been diligently working on it, drawing a few pages at a time.

He's having so much fun, and as a side note, it's a good opportunity for him to work on his fine motor skills.

I figure this is one of those, "if you can't beat 'em, join 'em" situations. Some of the doctors and his OT have suggested that we try to sway him away from his "narrow interests." (Obviously, right now it's Pokemon.) I've tried it before, with limited success. I figure as long as he's willing to try to meet me halfway, I'll try to work with what he's interested in, when possible. The whole "draw me a picture, and then tell me about it" thing is pretty standard pre-k/k fare. In this case, he just gets to choose his own topic, instead of me choosing for him.

(In case you're wondering, I'd be hard pressed to tell you what this picture is of. He carefully draws the Pokemon, and then draws their "attacks," aka, scribbles all over them. He knows what they are though, and can narrate a picture he drew several days before.)

Montessori Hack: Dressing Boards

Here's my latest project in this series.
In case you're wondering why I've been on this kick lately, I thought I'd give a little background. I don't post a great deal about my children's day to day lives, and particularly my son's special needs, largly out of respect for their privacy. I don't want them to be completely mortified one of these days when they're teenagers, and accidentally stumble across mom's blow by blow description of their potty training dilemmas or whatever.
With regards to my son, suffice it to say that he is a very bright, high functioning little boy, who almost certainly falls somewhere on the Autistic spectrum. He's currently receiving occupational therapy for SPD and fairly significant fine motor skill delay.

I've been trying to come up with ways to help L improve his fine motor skills, which are at this point limiting our ability to move forward with writing, etc. A lot of the Montessori activities lend themselves to that end, so that's why I've been busily coming up with quickie, cheapo knockoffs of proper Montessori materials.
Anyway, here's my version of a dressing board. L still has a good bit of difficulty buttoning shirts, and I thought this might help with that particular skill, as well as perhaps improve his motor control in general. As I run across other suitable clothes, I may make further additions to this series...
I basically just hacked up one of his shirts, and stapled it to a cheap wooden Ikea picture frame, using a heavy duty stapler. I used pinking shears on the shirt to minimize fraying.




It occurs to me that this would have almost certainly looked neater if I had measured a little more carefully, and used some sort of glue, instead of staples.
Nonetheless the result is pretty sturdy, and entirely functional, if not beautiful. :)

Things I like Thursday: SafetyTats

L is a runner. From what I've read, and heard, that's pretty common to children with Autism/Asperger's/PDD, etc.
A few months ago, he scared us to death when he got up early in the morning, unlocked the front door, and wandered outside in only his pull up while we were sleeping. Thank God the lady across the street was outside, and noticed him. She alerted us to what he was up to, and we subsequently have added another lock and an alarm.
He also gets away from us in public. I'm not talk talking about what normally happens, where mom is shopping, and turns her head, and the kiddo sneaks off. I'm talking about us walking and holding his hand, and him breaking free, and running away at full speed. In the last six months or so, he's run away from me in a busy parking lot, at the museum, and in a clothing store. It's terrifying, and it typically takes a couple of minutes to get to him, as he's fast, and he hides. We've been using the toddler harness again, when necessary, as a means of preventing this. We've also been joking about writing "if lost, please return to___ " on his forehead with a Sharpie. (Gotta keep a sense of humor, right?)
Anyway, I recently won a sample package of SafetyTats in a blog giveaway, and I wanted to tell you about what a cool idea they are. The package I got was a pack of 4 Quick Stick Write-On Tattoos. It came with alcohol prep wipes, and a pen to personalize the tats with your phone number. They don't require water like regular temporary tattoos, but go on more like a Band-Aid. The company also offers made to order tattoos, in lots of fun themes, with your phone number pre-imprinted on them. They have designs that would alert others to allergies, autism, diabetes, and most important for L, (the train lover,) they even have a train design.
My SafetyTats are going in my purse, for the next time we head to the zoo, the mall, or the museum. I'll also be buying some more.
They retail for less than a dollar a piece, and that's a small price to pay for a little more piece of mind. This is such a good idea, and way cuter than a Sharpie on the forehead...